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While reading O, The Oprah Magazine, I was struck by one particular article on doing nothing.

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The writer shared: "My husband, a journalist . . . knows how to procrastinate effectively and with style. Sleeping, watching TV, eating and generally being good to himself are part of his creative process. . . . 'I have to allow time for an idea to gestate,' he says, 'and then the piece just spills forth and writes itself.' "

Often I think we women are not so bugged by our husbands as we are by their ability to be unaffected by our buggedness. We disdain and marvel at their ability to be lazy, to mindlessly click the remote while the overflowing laundry basket sits at their feet and not feel one bit guilty. Perhaps we are bugged because we can't shut it off, we can't stop our compulsive behavior or we can't sit still without guilt.

A philosopher once wrote, "Sometimes we fulfill our responsibility not by acting but by doing nothing." Just once, instead of seething at the kitchen sink, muttering to yourself that you're not the family slave and that on your wedding day you were declared a wife, not a Merry Maid, go sit with him. Just leave the dishes and go slide onto his lap, hold the popcorn (or better yet, bring some) and ask who's winning (not that it matters -- he could say Smokey the Bear, you could say great and the conversation would be considered a success). What matters is to occasionally give up the agenda.

Follow the adage, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em" (or the equally effective: If you can't cajole/threaten/bribe/instill gut- wrenching guilt, give up and get ice cream). Release the I-must-get- this-done-now list and change it to it-can-wait, it-wasn't-that- crucial or how-can-we-possibly-share-this-lame-menial-chore- experience?

Sometimes what you're doing is important, but just as often you might ask yourself who it's important to. If your husband, your son or your neighbor always needs something done and you feel you haven't time to even sit down or go to the bathroom, then ask yourself, "Who is this important to?" If Bobby needs a shirt pressed RIGHT NOW because he has to go RIGHT NOW, then perhaps Bobby can learn how to turn on the iron RIGHT NOW. Bobby will do as Bobby does. If it's important to him, he will iron the shirt. The sooner Bobby releases the unrealistic but common vision of Mom-the-on-call- ironing-serf, the sooner Bobby will begin to truly appreciate, in that moment of panic, the generous offer from Mom-the-awesome- timely-shirt-presser.

This week, try asking yourself these two questions: Who is it important to? and Is it crucial right now? And perhaps spouses everywhere can spend more quality time cuddling loving arms than avoiding cold shoulders. And remember, to truly do nothing together, one must do nothing; if those around you don't understand this, happily remind them it's
embroidered patches part of the creative process.

Life change tip: Once this week, leave the frustrating chore and just be/sit/play with your husband or children.

Book pick: Your favorite magazine that you never have time to read because you're being too productive.

Connie Sokol is a wife and mother of six who has her own business. E-mail:

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